Tuesday, December 22, 2015


It amazes me what a lack of presence and gratitude 
I have had throughout my life up until recently. 
Why did I find it so difficult to live in the moment 
and appreciate life as it was unfolding around me? 
Many decisions were made, or actions taken, 
regrettably while viewing life thru a distorted lense 
of past conditioning and experiences. 
Or even worse decisions were not made 
and necessary actions were not taken, 
due to fear. 
Fear of an unforeseen and often imaginary future. 
Life is so much easier when I can 
let go of this "head stuff" 
and view things as they are and not allow 
my mind to blur reality into something it is not...


What is a conscience? It contains the word science , 
which comes from the Latin word scientia, meaning "to know" or "knowledge."
This is what differentiates human beings 
from the rest of the animal kingdom. 
It is that gut feeling, that little voice (sometimes Big) that comes from within. 
Call it God voice, call it Universal knowledge, 
call it whatever you want, we all have it (well most of us?) 
But do we  always listen to it? Can we even hear it?
Addiction is self-will run riot with blatant disregard for conscience. 
Living in this mode creates soo much pain, 
pain for oneself and pain for anyone who crosses our paths. 
Conscience is like a road sign, if you don't pay attention to it 
you will go the wrong way and may end up on a dead end road, 
or driving off a cliff, or worse, 
driving through the front of someone's nice new house... 
I lived this way for many years and did it because I could numb, 
ignore and forget all the pain that it created 
with the use of drugs and alcohol. 
I no longer have that luxury. So what to do?
Listen to that conscience , that little voice within, it's there for a reason! 
Hear it, make it a Big voice! Do the right thing, always, no matter what. 
Otherwise, I will be creating pain and guilt and shame and anxiety 
that I will always want to seek relief from. 
God's will?
Universal energy source?
I don't know, but it is unique to human beings 
and I'm assuming it's by design! 
I want to remain a human being. 
And I'de like to be a happy one!

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Is The System dealing properly with the Addiction Epidemic?

People are dying, lives and families destroyed!

Is Prison Really all we can come up with!?

I have struggled with addiction my entire adult life.  Approximately 20 years of Chaos, Misery and Destruction.  Now that the fog has finally lifted, I want to share my experience pertaining to addiction with others and I have started this site so others may do the same if they so choose to.
My goal here is to bring awareness to the devastation that addiction causes.  Devastation in the lives of addicts and in the lives of their families and loved ones.  This is a serious dilemma!  I do not feel that prison is the solution.  It’s like putting a Band-Aid on skin cancer.  It just gets covered up while the problem still grows underneath.  People are dying here! 
Good People!

I’m not going to go into great detail here about the specifics of my story.  I just want to get the point across that something needs to be done… Badly!  Or people are going to continue to die, continue to wreak devastation on themselves and on those around them, and continue to commit crimes to fuel their sickness.  And this IS a sickness, it is not a moral issue or an issue of will power.  I’m pretty sure that has been scientifically proven already with PET (BrainScans), but for some reason it is still not treated as such!
Whether our brains were different beforehand or the drugs caused the changes and made it worse, makes no difference to me.  It is a biological issue at that point and needs to be treated medically, which in many states, especially our state (MAINE), proper treatment and care is severely lacking.
Take away the barber shops and everyone will be running around with long hair.  Take away proper clinical treatment centers, rehabs and detoxes, and people are going to be running around with serious addiction problems.  It’s that simple.
I was 15 when I started using drugs.  I don’t blame it on any particular life event, I just did it at first to fit in and I liked it.  It made me feel more comfortable.  I then began to use it as an escape and as a way to cope.  
Then it had me!  
The process of changing my brain began, and it would continue that way for 20 or so years.  I tried detox many times.  Many places would kick me out before I was even done detoxing due to insurance issues.  I mean really!  At least give a person a fighting chance!  I never had the ability to get into proper, long term treatment for my addiction.  I destroyed my life and the lives of those around me for many of those 20 years.  I never learned how to cope and deal with life's problems because I was always relying on the substance that my brain became hard-wired to rely on in order to cope.  It knew nothing else. 
This last go around with my addiction involved close to 10 years on Methadone! Now that’s a topic in it of itself.  Methadone should be banned!  These companies that make money off of the disease of addiction in this way are despicable and should be outlawed.   Now I am not saying that some of these treatments don't have some benefits.  I did begin to get my life back together on Methadone but I was still not learning how to properly deal with the underlying causes and conditions of my disease.  These places are more than happy to up your dose whenever you want because doing so just made the ball and chain that Methadone is, that much heavier, which means money in their pockets! 
Suboxone treatment can be helpful but also needs to be properly prescribed and regulated.  Then tapered down as quickly as possible while a person is undergoing proper treatment.  By treatment I mean learning how to live life without the use of drugs.  I say this because when it comes down to it, that is what is needed.  Treatment and education about the disease: relapse, triggers, co-occurring disorders, etc.. are important, but that is not going to keep someone sober.  I needed to learn how to live again, all over, without relying on a substance to get me through. 
Sorry I went off on a tangent for a minute there, where was I?  Oh yeah, Methadone...Bad. 
I had a wife, children, good job, a house, everything I ever wanted in my life after using the crutch of methadone and suboxone, and then I made a mistake.   I released my addiction again.  I say this because my brain, the brain of an addict, has a Monster inside of it, and when I put a substance into my body this Monster can get released.  When it does, all the logic, desire, willpower and intelligence in the world is not going to stop it.  Reason being is that this Monster resides in my brain, and IT then begins pulling all the strings. 
“Am I headed in a bad direction”, nah, it’s not that bad, “Should I stop”, well maybe, but can I.  The answer is NO.  The answer is NO because this Monster is running around in my head making all my decisions for me, using tools like self-manipulation, denial, rationalization, justification, and outright lies.  It does this so it can keep going.  Why?   I have no idea, it’s just the way it is!  I lived it for many years. 
So, moving on, I made this mistake.  I decided I would get on a prescription for some problem I thought I had?  I realized later that this was the Monster rattling its cage… It does this from time to time and if I am not present, and aware, and ready for it, it will get out!  And it did!  Boy did it ever!  I went to a doctor that was more than willing to “help” me with my “problem”, with the help of BigPharma (that’s another topic all-together).  So I got on these meds., released the Monster, made a bunch of very bad decisions and ended up serving a 4 year sentence in prison (That’s the short version)
I feel lucky that I made it to prison, many don’t make it, they die or live a miserable existence until they die, or commit suicide from all the seemingly inescapable pain.  I also feel lucky because while I was in there I finally made a decision to surrender.  I surrendered to the fact that this Monster was real, and I finally got to the point where I knew I couldn’t do drugs anymore without running the serious risk that This terrible Monster would take over.  I did A lot of soul searching, reflecting on my past, and reading while I was there.  I read and learned A lot about the psychology of addictive behavior and the biology of the addicted brain. I also read many books on spirituality, about living and coping with life in a way that many “normal” un-addicted people learn just through the natural process of growing up.  I didn’t allow myself to have that luxury so I had to go to prison and read about it.  But I’m glad I did.  I’m grateful for the time I had to work on myself.  But many people aren’t given this opportunity.  Some are stuck and don’t even know it.  Some know and don’t know how to go about changing it.  Change is a difficult thing, especially when your brain is being run by an outside entity. Addiction literally hijacks the brain!

My effort is to bring awareness to the fact that we need to focus more on prevention, education and treatment of this problem, and stop sweeping the problem under the proverbial rug (prison)!  Lets do a better job at teaching our children about this disease and its ramifications so that they do not need to go down this road in the first place.  It's A lot harder to treat than it is to educate and prevent.  Treatment CAN work, but there needs to be places to go.  I have been in the emergency room with addiction related problems more than once, and they could not help me.  There was just nowhere for them to send me!  This to me is very sad!!!
Please share your stories.  Even if you are not an addict, chances are you know someone who is dealing with this problem. A loved one a friend?  Many people have been affected in one way or another by this disease and it needs to be dealt with differently!  People shouldn’t have to live in misery for years on end!  Families shouldn’t have to suffer and watch while their loved ones destroy their lives or end up dead!

Please Help and share what you can.  I hope you will pass this along.  There is power in numbers and it is my hope that we can all work together to help initiate some sort of positive change!